God Told Me

Recently the esteemed Pat Robertson de-mothballed his 91 year old self in a heroic spasm of doddering end-times lust to confer some last minute wisdom upon the God-fearing faithful concerning the sitrep in Ukraine. God, are we blessed!

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, circa 1975

The world is going to end sometime in 1982. Nevertheless, increase your donations.

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, circa 1990

The world will be destroyed on April 29, 2007. Meanwhile, support the Christian Broadcasting Network so that as many as possible around the globe will hear and know the truth.

HONEST SEEKER OF TRUTH

Bless you, Pat. A thousand listeners and readers write to ask: Pat, we pray unceasingly and strive to tithe a full 10% of our meager wherewithal despite lost livelihoods in obsolete and dying industries, opiate addiction, and suicidal offspring. When will God hear our plight?

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, circa 1990

Well, I advise you to, umm, sell some household items, check your attics and basements. Also you can try to generate supplemental income by making Etsy crafts and building a salesy website. God wants you to be profitable and to thrive. Go forward with bold courage.

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, circa Halloween 2020

Trump is definitely going to win the election. Of that there is no doubt, only absolute certainty. God told me. This will be shortly followed by devastating natural disasters and uphevals. But I think the world will survive past Trump’s term… about another five years or so.

HONEST SEEKER OF TRUTH

Hmmm. Amen. Kindly elaborate, divine conduit.

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, circa Halloween 2020

Well, I want to say without question, Trump is going to prevail in this election. Eventually I think very frankly, the only thing that will fulfill the word of Jesus, is some kind of asteroid strike on the globe. (emotionless pause) It’s sudden destruction. It’s not going to be some nuclear war. We’re not going to be allowed to blow this earth up.

HONEST SEEKER OF TRUTH

Amen. (bows head in anticipatory piety)

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, four days ago, 2022

Putin is being moved by the hand of God to setup Ukraine as a staging ground for his forces, in order to fulfil ancient prophecy, and invade and overrun holy ground in Israel.

HONEST SEEKER OF TRUTH

That seems really crazy! Is Putin insane then?

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, four days ago, 2022

Well, you might say he is out of his mind, yes. It is very likely he is crazy. He is getting ready to easily cross the narrow Dardanelles, with Turkey, and smash into Israel. He probably does not even know it yet. But God is making him do it. God says to him: “I am putting hooks into your jaws and dragging you into this battle whether you like it or not. I am going to compel you forward.” Watch what happens. Read your Bible!

HONEST SEEKER OF TRUTH

(silently) WTF! Where? Book of Revelation?

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, four days ago

Read your Bibles. The end is close. God told me!

KINDLY PASSER-BY

(after reflecting) God has been talkin’ shit to Pat Robertson earnestly for some decades now, more and more blatantly. In the hopes that his exposed idiocy and increasingly far-fetched proclamations would open a rift of holy doubt and discernment among his beleaguered followers.

GOD-FEARING JACKASS, four days ago

Ignorant heathen… how can you know?

KINDLY PASSER-BY

God told me. Effing moron.

_______RS

[ Image : Pat Robertson deep in sacred contemplation. May he rot in his own private ring in Dante’s Inferno. Along with Jimmy Swaggart, Jim & Tammy Faye, and that oozingly evil walking facelift commercial, Joel Osteen. ] (link)

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11 Comments

  1. I dont understand his followers who cant sense the reach for their back pocket wallets as they are bent over their bibles. Maybe i should be kind and permit their gullibility. Fools, I must declare them though.

    Reply

    1. Way I see it, I can forgive their making super-televangelists into wealthy 1%-ers much more easily than I could forgive their refusal to scrutinize reality with their hearts and minds. That backing down behind a ‘safe’ boundary, that wish to be led instead of standing “in the image of the Divine” on the strength of their own individual honest looking and seeking — all of that is 100% oppositional to any true call towards spirit and devotion. Do you have any clue how much I miss you by the way? Seriously. 🙂

      Reply

  2. I feel sorry for Pat Roberson. Living a life of disgrace and finds his only support in those who are like him. Praying for Man Kind and for the End of Man kind at the same time. Pray for Him.

    Reply

    1. Makes much more sense to pray for the tens of thousands who were diverted from spiritual reality (and likely their funds as well) while being blinded by him for decades.

      Reply

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